cause momma says so

drift wood by eric jaakkola
[fairy houses according to my mom]

It's 65 degrees, eight o'clock at night and I am desperately wishing I had a balcony to sit outside under the invisible stars (invisible because of all the lights around here) with a glass of wine and write. It would be perfection...

Perfection...I have found myself using that word a lot lately. I think that word reflects where my life is headed right now.

I don't like making plans, if you ask me to hang out my usual answer will be "I don't know what I'm doing". I have a hard time committing to people, things, and any obligation. It's a personality trait that I am aware of, and have made no effort to change it. There is one exception to this rule...i plan, commit, and dream about love. The love of a husband, family, and life. If you asked me what I want my career to be I have no idea...my career dreams have gone through drastic changes and continuously change everyday. What hasn't ever changed is what I want for my future, I want a family, a husband, a home and I want to take my kids to soccer practice and go to their dance recitals.

My mother has always told me that I'm a home maker. While my younger sister is dreaming of working for the FBI, and has no thought of a family ( not to say she'll never have one) I am dreaming of having a family with no thought of a career. I can't wait to get married, have children and begin being a mother...

"I don't know what my career dreams are..." I take that statement back, I know what my dream career is...it's a mother. I want to be a mother, I want to cook breakfast for my kids, drive them to soccer practice, go to their school plays, and tuck them into bed. I want to be a wife, I want to wake up next to the man who makes me more happy than I've ever been, I want to kiss him before he leaves for work in the morning, cook him dinner and fall asleep next to him at night. That's what I want my career to be...and these past few months have helped me realize that's alright, not every woman is supposed to be a hot shot business woman, some of us are meant to be mothers...and only mothers.

My mom is one of those woman too, I remember pb&j sandwiches, homemade slip and slides outside. Fairy hunting by the creek, and seeing her every morning and every night. I remember her being my mom...she works now, and honestly I know she tries but her mother career keeps coming back. I am 23 and still call her when I'm sick, and she still makes me soup and rubs my back. My mom is a mom...she's not a business woman. There are people who make her feel bad for that...make her feel like she needs to make more of herself and prove her worth. Her worth has been proven...and that proof sits in Charleston, rowing with her team mates, that proof is getting recruited to play soccer at top colleges, that proof is in Albany going to school and finally getting her life together. That proof looks at her in the mirror every morning. That reflection is all the proof she should ever need. She's alive, and beautiful and needs to stop trying to prove herself to people that don't understand that being a mother is a career.

Speaking of family and love, thanksgiving is coming up soon. I can't wait...I love thanksgiving, and I'm hoping this year will be better than last year. I love being around my family and having all of my family together. I'm looking forward to thanksgiving and turkey and potatoes and stuffing and gravy and my birthday...of course my birthday.

E said he bought me a present but won't tell me what it is...he's given me clues.
circle
race
he saw it in his house

not helpful at all...i'm trying to rack my brain to figure out what it is. HELLPPPP.

so i'm signing off for the night, going to enjoy a glass of wine, a cigarette and the beautiful night on my front porch while listening to the breeze flow through the trees and smell the grass...alright i'm lying...i'll actually be listening to drunk college kids, sirens and smelling the horrible smell of albany. but hey i can pretend :)

peace&love.

(this picture made me smile. i haven't seen a good sunset in a while. i miss them)

It's been a long time since I've blogged on here, and there are multiple reasons for this absence.
1. My computer crashed about two days after my last blog, this turned out to be a blessing and a horrible situation. I didn't have access to the Internet unless I used someone else's computer so I wasn't dependent on it to get information or keep in touch with friends. Although I did lose touch with some people who I no longer live near because of this limited access to internet.

2. Life has been crazy for me, moving, starting school, beginning a new relationship. My life has done a total flip and I am loving every second of it.

So let's play catch up.

This summer was fantastic.
I went to Virginia, Seneca Lake, NY, North Carolina, Charleston. I spent many nights having amazing dance parties with my friends, went camping, and began a relationship that has changed my life.

I moved from Cooperstown, NY to Albany in August for school. What a change. Cooperstown is quiet, small, and safe, Albany is the polar opposite. My apartment is not what I imagined my first apartment to be like but it does the job as a shelter.

Living alone took some getting used to but I think I've done pretty well. I have forced myself to learn the skill of managing money, and cooking. Both of which I took for granted before now. Thankfully my parents have been able to bail me out when my skills fall short.

Cooking is another story...I have tried to find recipes online to use and actually made a really good homemade pizza. Success stories while cooking are very common, but there are those stories that show my inexperience. For example today...

I grabbed a frozen burger out of the freezer, read the directions "heat for 9 minutes on each side in skillet". That's all, so the armature cook in me took the directions literally and tossed the burger in the pan turned on the stove and went to print out some stuff. I've been told numerous times don't leave the stove unattended while cooking but the box said nine minutes and I knew it wouldn't take me that long. Exactly four minutes later I walk back down the hallway and realize my kitchen, living room, and hallway are filled with smoke. Apparently flipping the burger was apart of the directions that I should have assumed.

Other than cooking I think I'm doing pretty well for living alone...although a visit from the cleaning fairy (commonly known as my mother) would be fantastic. Thanksgiving can't come soon enough. :)

Albany is treating me well, the weather here is perfect. Sunny and cool, with lots of orange, red and yellow leaves. Perfection.

Along with the amazing weather I have an amazing man in my life. He is everything I could ever ask for. Oct 15 was our six month anniversary. Hard to believe that it's been that long. I am so lucky to have someone like that in my life. My family has told me that they can tell I'm happy, which is a huge step from how I've spent the past four years of my life.

The other day I was going through papers, in an attempt to get rid of the junk in my room, and found a piece of notebook paper with the words "The Perfect Man" written in large cursive letters. Below is what it says.

THE PERFECT MAN
-makes me laugh
-frustrates me
-patient
-understands my quarks
-lets me be myself
-holds my hand
-does anything and everything for me

With my luck in men I never thought I would find someone who fit everything I considered when picturing the perfect man. He does this. Spending the rest of my life with him isn't a question I have ever had to ask myself. I know I want to.

I am hoping that the rest of this year goes as well as the first part has. I have a lot to look forward to, my birthday, christmas, new years. :)

Oh and I have bought a new computer so there will be more blogs from me. :)
Hopefully there will be no more computer crashes.

This week will be a little stressful.
Midterms
Making my halloween costume (minnie mouse)
Writing a research paper
Researching a missing child for journalism.

I promise there will be a blog from me though. No worries.

Peace&Love