cause momma says so

drift wood by eric jaakkola
[fairy houses according to my mom]

It's 65 degrees, eight o'clock at night and I am desperately wishing I had a balcony to sit outside under the invisible stars (invisible because of all the lights around here) with a glass of wine and write. It would be perfection...

Perfection...I have found myself using that word a lot lately. I think that word reflects where my life is headed right now.

I don't like making plans, if you ask me to hang out my usual answer will be "I don't know what I'm doing". I have a hard time committing to people, things, and any obligation. It's a personality trait that I am aware of, and have made no effort to change it. There is one exception to this rule...i plan, commit, and dream about love. The love of a husband, family, and life. If you asked me what I want my career to be I have no idea...my career dreams have gone through drastic changes and continuously change everyday. What hasn't ever changed is what I want for my future, I want a family, a husband, a home and I want to take my kids to soccer practice and go to their dance recitals.

My mother has always told me that I'm a home maker. While my younger sister is dreaming of working for the FBI, and has no thought of a family ( not to say she'll never have one) I am dreaming of having a family with no thought of a career. I can't wait to get married, have children and begin being a mother...

"I don't know what my career dreams are..." I take that statement back, I know what my dream career is...it's a mother. I want to be a mother, I want to cook breakfast for my kids, drive them to soccer practice, go to their school plays, and tuck them into bed. I want to be a wife, I want to wake up next to the man who makes me more happy than I've ever been, I want to kiss him before he leaves for work in the morning, cook him dinner and fall asleep next to him at night. That's what I want my career to be...and these past few months have helped me realize that's alright, not every woman is supposed to be a hot shot business woman, some of us are meant to be mothers...and only mothers.

My mom is one of those woman too, I remember pb&j sandwiches, homemade slip and slides outside. Fairy hunting by the creek, and seeing her every morning and every night. I remember her being my mom...she works now, and honestly I know she tries but her mother career keeps coming back. I am 23 and still call her when I'm sick, and she still makes me soup and rubs my back. My mom is a mom...she's not a business woman. There are people who make her feel bad for that...make her feel like she needs to make more of herself and prove her worth. Her worth has been proven...and that proof sits in Charleston, rowing with her team mates, that proof is getting recruited to play soccer at top colleges, that proof is in Albany going to school and finally getting her life together. That proof looks at her in the mirror every morning. That reflection is all the proof she should ever need. She's alive, and beautiful and needs to stop trying to prove herself to people that don't understand that being a mother is a career.

Speaking of family and love, thanksgiving is coming up soon. I can't wait...I love thanksgiving, and I'm hoping this year will be better than last year. I love being around my family and having all of my family together. I'm looking forward to thanksgiving and turkey and potatoes and stuffing and gravy and my birthday...of course my birthday.

E said he bought me a present but won't tell me what it is...he's given me clues.
circle
race
he saw it in his house

not helpful at all...i'm trying to rack my brain to figure out what it is. HELLPPPP.

so i'm signing off for the night, going to enjoy a glass of wine, a cigarette and the beautiful night on my front porch while listening to the breeze flow through the trees and smell the grass...alright i'm lying...i'll actually be listening to drunk college kids, sirens and smelling the horrible smell of albany. but hey i can pretend :)

peace&love.